A modest proposal for increasing the relevance of Holy Mass.

t is indeed a melan­choly object, dear read­er, to con­tem­plate the mass­es (we speak with no dis­re­spect for the Mass) of peo­ple whose breasts are thrilled by the annu­al event known as Super Bowl Sun­day. There is, for exam­ple, this pic­ture of Times Square, decked out with full ban­ners pro­claim­ing the arrival of holy day. Thus do some use the nation’s hys­te­ria, over a game, as an oppor­tu­ni­ty to sell mer­chan­dise (and get filthy lucre). There is also this sto­ry [since removed, apparently—SEA, 8/11/19.], at one of the nation’s local news sites, inform­ing us that Piz­za Hut—Pizza Hut alone!—is pre­pared to sell more than 2 mil­lion piz­zas. As yet one more small sign of this same mania, the New York Times (which used to be our news­pa­per of record before we were stormed by what opti­misti­cal­ly calls itself the “New Media”) reports that one Mr. John Chen—a Seat­tle Sea­hawks fan still fum­ing about a theft that hap­pened nine years ago, but who has a child­like faith in jus­tice and restitution—“is sell­ing 88 game, hotel[,] and par­ty pack­ages for $30,000 each.” Just to imag­ine! $30,000 for the sake of one game. For Mr. Chen, in whose Seat­tle breast hope springs eter­nal, that means a prof­it of $2,640,000. If Den­ver wins, he will have at least that con­so­la­tion. Rocky Brougham, a Bron­cos fan, is using the occa­sion to dress up as a lep­rechaun.

The rea­son all this is melan­choly is not because hys­te­ria is bad, but because it is direct­ed at the wrong object. Imag­ine a nation in which ban­ners were put out in Times Square pro­claim­ing: “The Holy Sac­ri­fice of the Mass, today at St. Patrick­’s Cathe­dral.” Imag­ine jer­seys being sold to pro­mote the event. Imag­ine piz­za par­ties across the nation after Holy Mass. Imag­ine some­one will­ing to pay $30,000 in order to have a front-row seat at Mass.

We believe that we have dis­cov­ered the way by which that may hap­pen. Not only will it increase atten­dance at Mass, and excite­ment about the Mass, but it will great­ly increase the rel­e­vance of the Mass as well. (At least in this nation.) Now, we under­stand that some may laugh at this pro­pos­al, some may be offend­ed, and some may assume that this is all a good-natured joke. But hear us through. We speak in earnest; this is not Eye of the Tiber. We do not pen inani­ties for The Onion. We are sober crit­ics and essay­ists here. And we wish to pro­pose a new litur­gy.

Just as the priest sched­ules sac­ristans and Extra­or­di­nary Min­is­ters before each Mass, so he will sched­ule team cap­tains. The team cap­tains will sta­tion them­selves at their assigned row of pews 30 min­utes before the start of each Mass. Those who arrive ear­ly will have their choice of cap­tain. Those who arrive late will have to accept whichev­er cap­tain has remain­ing seats. That will ensure that peo­ple will have the nec­es­sary zeal to arrive at Mass ear­ly; pos­si­bly smash­ing into each oth­er’s cars in the park­ing lot and rac­ing each oth­er down and tail­gat­ing, just in order to do so. That is what is known in this nation as fun. See all the peo­ple who just can not wait to get to Mass!

Each team cap­tain will be respon­si­ble for ral­ly­ing his team to be the holi­est when pray­ing, and to cheer Father the loud­est through­out his homi­ly. There will be extra points giv­en for those who boo the loud­est over the unho­li­ness of the oth­er team. I know that Joe over on Dav­e’s team nev­er liked Father and is just being a syco­phant for points. He is a dis­hon­est cheater; always has been, and always will be.

Some might say there should be penal­ties for such unnec­es­sary judg­ment. But Joe is only being giv­en the oppor­tu­ni­ty to repent of his sins. Now that every­one’s atten­tion is on Joe, he’s like­ly to break down and admit that he did­n’t real­ly go to con­fes­sion before­hand either, and yes, he real­ly did always hate Father. This will be a good expe­ri­ence for Joe, con­sid­er­ing that Dav­e’s team will now get addi­tion­al points for the great con­tri­tion of one of its mem­bers.

Dur­ing half-time—formerly known as “the sac­ri­fice of the Mass”—the priest will con­se­crate hot dogs and beer while scant­i­ly-clad cheer­lead­ers for the Holies and the Unholies (Dav­e’s team) pre­pare to serve. The cheer­lead­ers will ral­ly their respec­tive teams to cheer “Give me an E! Give me a U! Give me a C! Give me an H! Give me an A!” and so forth. And because the cheer­lead­ers are Extra­or­diary Min­is­ters of Holy Com­mu­nion, there will be more knock­ing-of-each-oth­er down (at least among the men) to receive the con­se­crat­ed hot dogs and beer. Some might say that wives will be irri­tat­ed by all of this; but on the con­trary, we believe they will be touched by their hus­bands’ new­found devo­tion to the body and blood of Our Lord.

Oth­er naysay­ers, main­ly of the Rorate Caeli vari­ety, will protest that scant­i­ly-clad cheer­lead­ers at Mass will lead to an increase in con­cu­pis­cence. On the con­trary, we believe that the open dis­play of flesh will increase, not con­cu­pis­cence, but devo­tion to Bl. John Paul II’s great teach­ing on the The­ol­o­gy of the Body. And a devo­tion to the the­ol­o­gy of the body has been well-shown to strength­en mar­riages.

After half-time, when the sacred body (hot dogs) and pre­cious blood (beer) of Our Lord has been devoured and guz­zled, the final prayers will be said, and the attempts to score points for holi­ness tal­lied. In the event that the Mass has to go to sud­den death, a punter from each team will be on hand to try to score a goal through the halo over Mary’s head. In the sacred litur­gy, this is what is known as the Hail Mary punt. Whichev­er team’s punter lands the ball through the halo will win. If both pun­ters score the goal, they will repeat the process until such time as one of the two miss­es.

Then the priest will solemn­ly pro­claim: The Mass has end­ed. Go and eat piz­za.

No one will think of miss­ing Mass again, and the holi­ness of the nation will be restored.